prose and cannes

"Why would people want to live on the Moon?" the girl murmured.

"Chronic malcontents," he said sleepily. "Normal people don't need to. Normal people would be satisfied with life as it is." He closed his eyes and listened to the dance music on the radio.

"Is it pretty on the Moon?" the girl asked.

"Oh Christ no, it's awful," he said. "Nothing but rock and dust."

p.k. dick [time out of joint]
_____________
item a) i dislike my job. there is little to no satisfaction for me in what i do, other than the money and benefits are decent.
item b) its the only employment i've had in nearly twenty years. i am literally bored to tears at times, yet i am terrified to do or try anything else.
item c) i have a dream, a business plan for something completely different. pulling it off will require my full attention for at least a year or three.
item d) i will be positioned to begin in earnest on that project in short order. sort of... i have no desire at this point of my life to attempt a starving artist lifestyle.
item e) but, i would like to travel, see some other parts of the world and cultures.
item f) it looks to be a banner year for the company i work for. i could make a lot of money, which might make some of that other stuff a hella lot easier... but that means i have to keep working here. see item a.
item g) i keep catching a knot deep in my psyche in regard to education. how much i have, how little i have. do i need more facts and figures? i figure myself to be fairly well-rounded, but also recognize that i know a little about a lot, and not a master of any particular thing. is this a requirement to be taken seriously? and if so, which discipline?
item blah blah blah..

obviously my head is swimming in doubt. self doubt, doubt about my future, doubts about my capabilities, doubts about what is important to me, doubts about every waking moment. have i done the right things? am i going in a direction that is good for me? have i made my intentions clear? does it matter?

is this all a case of grass looking greener?

have i made a major mistake?



tineke said i am breaking the rules.

where is the rulebook, please?


no? anyone?


...is this one of those things where i write the rules as i go?




oof. gah.


[feeling nineteen, stuffed into a fourty-year old's life]