when the body falls, the heart and mind may follow

oof.

so. interesting morning thus far. woke up, did my injection and other drugs, made coffee and went out on the porch for a smoke and propmtly went into shock, passed out for a bit, woke up, puked, and then my phone rang. mom on the other end of the line.

her: "hi. good morning!"

me: "ugnh."

her: "whats wrong?"

me: "um. uhng. hang on a sec."

her: "warren, what is going on?"

me: "ugnh, wait. um."

...and so on until i was able to get my head together enough to explain what was happening.

fuck me running. i tell you what, this whole thing about being afraid of my body and what it can (can't) do these days... its a bit upsetting.

we've calmed down now. called my doc, who seemed less than overly concerned, "call back if it happens again."

dee made me some superjuice and soup.

i am tired.

exhausted.

...and i've only been up for two hours.

and thats just the physical. add to that my emotional angst and frustrations... i feel like i've been through a wringer.

disconcerting. discombobulated. dismayed. distressed.

how can i possibly not be lusting for my past life at this point? being here now is all well and good... but i mean, come on man...

i dont mean to idealize my history... but really now...

there were salad days, after all. before all this, before the doubts and fears. before the running amok. back when we knew without thinking what was good and right and what love ment.

oof.

you know how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you are dying?

will we know the difference between living and watching? does it matter?

oof.

**********
12:40
it occurs to me that i may have been imparting a bit of perhaps revisionist history to my past. it seems to me that i have and/or recollect feelings of being carefree/worryfree at some point, but i cant assign a place/face to those feelings. i do manage to associate those feelings with julie, but i cant be more specific than that...

and of course, i have to wonder how much of this is drug induced, or how much is associated with my current mental state of feeling close to my mortality versus any actual life experience.

and the overriding question which keeps repeating, "does it matter?"

some things i know for certain:
- the people i love, i love fully. there is no middle ground or questioning of what is this or that. there is no dichotomy.

for one reason or another, when i am at odds with some people i love... i firmly believe this has to do with misunderstandings and failures to communicate at one level or another, and the eclipsing of love by all manner of ego and righteousness.

i believe it is possible to love without trust. this is perhaps the most painful emotional experience a human being can travel. it is a road i would not wish upon any soul, and yet i continue to find myself in the backwoods of this state.

and yet, i push farther into the unmapped brush, quietly granting qualities upon those deserving. passport stamped in triplicate.

everyone i fall for, i fall forever.