?compare::contrast?

stuff from the past. gurgling up like a bad oyster...

********
march 3, 2004
02:26 PM

THIS IS A MOMENT

this is a moment of clarity of mission of understanding of knowlege of having you here now even though the time and space is wrong. this is the time of having it all and having it right and being in sync. this is the place in my heart where i know it is sound. this is being here now and being right. this is me now here.

********
february 15, 2005
09:09 AM

there he is. found the boy hiding behind an old rusted out refrigerator playing with bottlecaps and tin cans. there he is sitting there mindless of all the writhing and stutterstep mindfuck of the adult me waiting for sunshine and goodness and joy pure. there he is wanting there he is needing me to care for him and all ive done is hide him away from the world when my job my purpose is to guide him out and let him play. there he is. come child. i'm sorry it hurts. there are no bandaids for this. no antiseptic. i'll feel it for you, because i built it, i allowed it. i'll do that because i need you to look in wonderment and awe. i need you to see through those unbetrayed eyes. i need you to laugh and smile and give like you know you can, like you know you are. there he is. always before the fall. preserved and held away. there he is.

i believe in him. i believe in his heart.

i understand why he might not believe in me, i have failed on so many levels.