and now, some creative non-fiction

in the dream she was arguing with me, egging me on and making faces. she wanted to know where i was going, what i was going to do, who i was going to be, who was going with me.

i said, 'look, the things you're asking me... i just don't know. what i do know is that my life starts and ends with me. i've traveled, i've stayed. i've worked, and i've fucked off. i've been doing this thing for as long as i can remember, and i'm pretty damn good at it. i've done psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, and psychotropics. i've studied the religions and sciences of man. i've stood under stars and looked under rocks and into the sea. i've looked under every nook, cranny, and crevase. the questions you're asking don't have answers.'

she curled up her lips into a smile like she used to make, hugged me.

i awoke. maybe its selfish to say so, but its true. what i do know is my life starts and ends with me. i don't know where i am going, what i am going to do, who i am going to be, who will be there with me.

she said i can have intention, but not plans.

my life starts and ends with me. maybe i'll hang around a little while afterward, as long as your memories permit, but i rather expect to be out and not answering the phone when i do go.

i awoke in my dream, and she took my hand and held it against my heart.

i said, 'i've done things. i've cut wood and bucked hay. i've grown pigs for slaughter, and rabbits for show, and then eaten them. i've worked until i couldn't keep my eyes open. i've stood on mountaintops and wondered. i've practiced twelve steps, ten commandments, and statistical feedback controls. i've imagined every god and daemon imaginable. i've cowered in darkness and wished to die. i've sat on worlds and in universes that don't exist. i've cried, screamed, whimpered, writhed. i've loved and been loved. i've laughed, smiled, and choked. i've been on steamships, submarines, automobiles, and spaceships. i've hurt and been hurt. i've cursed the ground, sky, and heavens. i think the human species is doomed, insomuch as all species are doomed to evolve or die. save the planet? heck, save the human. the planet will live on long after we're gone. the exoskeletons get it next.'

she said i made a good face and i wondered if that was then my epitaph. "here lies warren. he made a good face."

i awoke in my dream, and the world remained out of balance. the push/pull of the moon generated the tides, and the heat of the sun melted glaciers. lightning started fires. tectonic plates moved. i feel warm, content. ease.

'balance', i said, 'is a false idol. the natural world doesn't exist in balance, and i'm not certain we should attempt it.'

i awoke from my dream. put on some clothes. walk down the stairs and open the door. i fish a cigarette from the pack, my fingers feel tight and rough. spark. flame. inhale. it's pre-dawn raining and cold, another northwest winter.

i think i'd like to dance a bit.