who the fuck thinks of this?

sometimes, i look around and wonder just how in the fuck i got here. i mean, the last thing i remember was driving down the I-5 and telling her about the times that i'd had sex with men. that was, what, 2000? i look up at the calendar and it says 2007, but i mean... man... what the fuck? where am i?

i asked, 'what if david lynch made a film of a p.k. dick story starring parker posey?' the answer, the motherfucking answer, my friends, is '2004'.

i look around and where the hell am i? the last thing i remember was driving around southeast looking at her in the passenger seat, pink hair. that was when? feburary? no no no.. new years. it was new years.

i can't tell what came first or last. is there a last? the last thing i remember that was true was sitting on some rocks in the high desert of utah. that was when? yesterday?

i can't tell what was the last thing, or if there was a last thing. i fell asleep one night, and now i am here and everything is different. there was an argument of sorts. nightmarish. i don't believe a fucking word of it. who set that up? bullshit.

the last thing i remember was i was sitting quietly watching her.

the last thing i remember, it was just yesterday, i think. we were sitting and talking about the future. i was taking notes so as to not forget. the future, we wrote, shall consist of these primary things.

where are those things now, huh?

its a clusterfuck for sure. there is no solution, only more questions. like, how in the hell did this happen in january? can it really be like this?



hrrrm.


i never thought of this.

never.


so this i say to you, you pundits of powerful positive thoughts. the school of 'thoughts create reality'...

i never thought of this.


so, who did? who in the fuck thinks of this? i've got some words for you, fuckface. its not bad, overall. theres just the pure shock and horror of the not being and the not having and the not reality... once you're over that (or at least develop the emotional tolerance to ignore that briney fucker), its not sucking.

what it is, is this;
everything i ever thought
everything i ever believed
everything i ever wanted
everything i ever hoped

vapor.


come at me now, looking for answers, solace. beware the smirk on my face, its not malice or intended harm... its... knowlege.

answers. ha! you want fucking answers? welcome to the goddamn family. we gots some answers for you. they won't fit your paradigm, no matter what it is.



nothing.
everything.

okay, this is going nowhere.

try some more:

~when i was about 9 years old, we were living on ten acres of farmland outside of...

nah.

~she got out of the passenger side and popped the back door. she slid into the seat before i even had opened mine...

ugh.

~slammed on the brakes. shaking. furious. i said, 'those are MY FRIENDS...'

phuut.

oh. woe. is. me.



you ask me what i want.

seriously? what i want is

another. one more. do it again. do it over and over until its done right. do it until there is no more tears or reason for them. do it until there are no promises broken. no secrets.

because this, this thing here...

i can't even see where i begin. i can't tell if this was intended, or a crazy dream, but i keep waking up lost and disoriented.

this is why i wake at first light.
this is why i run outside to see the sun rise.
this is why i need to see wy'east, there.

i don't know where i am, but i do know where i am from and that... that thing there... is real.


what's real?