good night

"try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."
~the meaning of life, [monty python]

i woke up this morning fighting off the daybreak in preference for the dreamstates. there, i found the march fourth marching band, a train, a bus, a mission (i am completely unsure of the mission, but positive that it was of a beneficial nature), superhero strengths in the face of certain doom, cataclysmic destruction upon the innocent by the ignorant, pure love in the face of fear, and the absolute certainty that i could do nothing about any of it but try to make it better. and we did, together.

i turned into my lovers' arms, awakening and became a fragment of the whole. a mere part of the deus ex machina. a cog in bliss. love. beautiful and meaningless. perfect.

the day proceeded. things were said. ideas were proffered. plans discussed. some soothsaying attempted.

in the evening i found my way to the home of one, kind to me and lost in sorrow. i surrendered understanding in hopes of adding bulk to her ramparts against the cutting edges. i doubt my successes. i doubt my resolve. i doubt my existance, my meaning, my effectiveness, my anything.

i doubt. all.

later, mirth. a whirlwind of do-se-do with a warrior, though i doubt he sees himself as such. we drink and revel in our past mistakes, offering feeble attempts at solutions. soul.u.tions.

now, i weep as i come to it, sleep.
now, for me, if only for want of the dream-
of certainty-
of absoluteness.